Compliments Are Gifts

Rob Bell:
This week, we take a look at Jono's sketch describing complements as gifts.

Jono Hey:
If you've got something that you think about that is nice for somebody else, they will receive it like a gift.

So if you don't tell them, it is literally like having a present in your pocket for somebody and choosing to walk off without giving it to them.

I think it's just a lovely metaphor for making the world a brighter place.

Rob Bell:
Avoid appearing arrogant by just over acknowledging the compliment.

Oh, you look great today.

Yeah, I really do.

Jono Hey:
To see somebody else receiving a compliment and not feel like you're missing something is quite a grown-up, mature attitude, but it takes quite a long time to get there.

Tom Pellereau:
I've been working with someone for 12 years, and I think I have the email saved as the only compliment I think I've ever received.

Rob Bell:
Hello, and welcome to Sketchplanations, The Podcast.

This time, we begin with a dastardly quick recipe to keep your bellies from rumbling as you listen.

Prepare yourselves for podcaster pomodoro.

On a medium heat, add a couple of glugs of extra virgin creativity, along with the diced curiosity and research, and cook until softened and beginning to golden.

Thump a tin of clarity on top, add the 500g carton of pulped explanations, preferably with added personal anecdotes, but not essential.

Stir well and allow to come to the boil.

Meanwhile, cook 350g of sketches for 8 to 10 minutes until tender.

Combine the drained sketches and stir in until everything is coated.

Serve in warmed headphones and feel free to add a freshly grated guest to your preference.

We've gone without this time.

Eccolo!

Voila!

There you go.

Podcaster Pomodoro.

Dive in and enjoy.

I'm Rob Bell, hot-handed pot-washer.

In charge of proceedings is head chef Jono Hey.

And keeping everyone on their toes with his maverick methods and cuttingly short temper, it's our sharp-tongued sous chef, Tom Pellereau.

Hello.

Jono Hey:
Hello Rob.

I was just thinking of a grated guest.

That was quite something.

Rob Bell:
Yeah, I was running out of ingredients.

Jono Hey:
It's good cheese.

I like it.

Rob Bell:
Running out of ingredients for the podcast.

How do you boys feel about cooking?

Tom Pellereau:
Do you enjoy it?

Jono Hey:
I do enjoy it, yeah.

Cooking's a great way to relax and come up with something new and you get to eat it at the end.

Happy days, as far as I'm concerned.

Rob Bell:
Many a lovely meal I've had at your fair hands.

How do you say that?

Not out of your hands.

Tom Pellereau:
Grated hands.

Jono Hey:
From your fair hands.

Rob Bell:
That you've cooked for us, that's basically what I'm trying to say.

Jono Hey:
You do have a way with words, Rob.

Tom Pellereau:
Tommy, do you enjoy cooking?

My cooking is more random than creative, really.

I'm not great.

It tends to be just what's available and then kind of mixing it together to try and find something that's as nice as possible.

So I do quite a lot of the kind of weekly, you know, during the week cooking.

My wife does the lovely cooking for kind of dinner parties or those sort of things.

So I am nothing like the two of you.

You're both very good chefs.

I'm very functional and fairly random.

Rob Bell:
I wouldn't, I don't necessarily enjoy cooking.

I'm happy to do it.

If there's, you know, an occasion, I'm happy to make an effort and you know, look for a recipe and go and get your ingredients and do it.

I mean, it's basically just following instructions, right?

It's like building an IKEA flat pack, really.

Jono Hey:
It is, which you do quite enjoy.

Rob Bell:
I follow the instructions and I do enjoy that.

But I don't get that in much, I don't get any enjoyment from making myself food when it's not, especially the occasion.

I just want to get it done.

Tom Pellereau:
And I think maybe that's my thing about recipes.

Like I don't love reading and recipes can be quite intense with the reading.

And if you miss a couple of, if you miss read a teaspoon, a tablespoon, do this before that, whisk or don't whisk or that, then it can go horribly wrong.

And then also, I don't know enough to know that if I don't have that ingredient, I could just replace it for another one.

Like some people just understand.

So I get to the thing and I'm like, well, I don't have that.

Well, I just have to find another recipe.

And so I get a bit bogged down in that sometimes, I think.

Rob Bell:
And that's when it can be quite fun, right?

As well, when you get right.

And I have this, but I do.

I don't have any miso paste, but I do have some bronsted and pickle.

They're similar colors.

Right.

Bung them in.

See what happens.

Tom Pellereau:
My worst bit of cooking, and actually, Jono, I think we were cooking together, is when we didn't have any crepe.

We were cooking something.

We didn't have any creme fraiche to go with the vegetables or like that.

And I was like, oh, I've got yogurt.

Oh, it's, what was it?

It was like cherry yogurt or something like that.

I was like, oh, well, who knows?

That could work.

And it was honestly the most disgusting thing I've ever eaten or made in my life.

And we had to, I think we had to throw the whole thing away because of the yogurt that was definitely not right.

Rob Bell:
If you want even more stress in cooking a meal, have you ever attempted one of Jamie's 30-minute meals?

Jono Hey:
I have.

Rob Bell:
You've tried it?

Yeah.

Jono Hey:
It's like a starter main and dessert, isn't it?

And a drink sometimes.

Rob Bell:
Unbelievably stressful.

Slightly unrealistic, I might say, depending on how well equipped you are in your kitchen.

Yes.

And who's doing the washing up, basically?

Because if you're going to do it in 30 minutes, you need to use everything in your kitchen.

You need to leave it wherever it is.

Like, packets and stuff float everywhere.

Jono Hey:
I think it would be quite funny to watch little video clips of people attempting 30-minute meals.

And yeah, exactly.

Seeing the state of the kitchen afterwards and timing people and how they do.

You were on 56 minutes.

That's nearly double the recommended time.

Rob Bell:
We did that with my housemates once, there were three of us, and we took it in turns over a number of weeks to do a 30-minute meal each and time each other and basically score each other.

And it was horrible.

It was horrendous.

There's so much stuff going on.

Tom Pellereau:
So much stress.

Rob Bell:
I hate it.

It's so stressful.

Jono Hey:
It's funny, because a friend of mine described cooking, like cooking a meal for somebody as like one of the very few win-win-wins, and they like it.

And I do too.

And so the three wins was like, one is you cook somebody a meal and they're really grateful.

So you're like, oh, brilliant, somebody cooks you a meal.

Lovely.

Second is you get to learn something.

Like you said, you're like, okay, I get to improve a skill by doing something that benefits me.

And then third, you get to eat what you make.

Rob Bell:
Yeah.

If you put it in, if you shine that light on it.

Tom Pellereau:
Yeah.

Rob Bell:
Jono, it does sound very good.

Tom Pellereau:
Yeah.

And a big shout out to one of our best friends, Si, who occasionally comes to visit here.

And whenever he does, he cooks.

And he also turns up with like every single ingredient that you might need.

Jono Hey:
We all need friends like that.

Everybody needs friends like that.

Rob Bell:
Everyone needs a friend like Simon.

But from what you're saying as well, Jono, because I know Simon, he gets a mutual friend, I know he will absolutely love cooking for other people.

Jono Hey:
It's win-win-win.

Rob Bell:
It's win-win-win.

Tom Pellereau:
Sometimes it's lose-lose-lose.

Rob Bell:
Apart from who's doing the washing up.

It's lose-lose-lose.

Whatever your proficiency of poaching, fluency of frying or mastery of microwaving, it's time to sit back and enjoy this week's episode.

And don't concern yourselves about clearing up.

I've got this covered.

I mean, yeah, you probably could have tidied up a bit more as you went along.

But honestly, don't worry.

Don't worry, I've got it.

Bon appétit.

Bon podcast.

This week, we take a look at Jono's sketch describing compliments as gifts, which is a wonderfully positive sentiment, and one I'm sure will all come away from smelling of roses.

But before we get into it, a reminder, you should be able to see this sketch up on your podcast players now.

But if not, you can find the link for it in the podcast description down below, along with links to any other interesting resources that come up in the show.

And you can also find the entire collection of Sketchplanations at sketchplanations.com.

And as ever, we'd love to hear from you, our listeners, on your thoughts and feelings towards Complimens' gifts.

Send your emails to hello at sketchplanations.com or you can head to Central Command for the show podcast.sketchplanations.com and leave us a voice note on there.

Look out for the little blue microphone icon at the bottom right corner.

Click on that and let rip.

Okie dokie, Jono.

Compliments are gifts.

I mean, isn't he just the sweetest thing?

Compliments are gifts, Jono.

What's all this about then?

Jono Hey:
Well, shall I just quickly touch on the sketch?

It is a really simple one.

It's two people, one person giving a compliment and the other one receiving it.

And receiving it in a way that makes it feel like they've just been given a gift is the idea that I was just trying to get across.

And this point that not sharing one is like keeping a gift in your pocket.

And I made this sketch purely to get across this point.

I'm afraid I can't remember where I heard it from.

But I think it's just a lovely metaphor for making the world a brighter place.

And the idea for me was that, you know, so often we're not always aware of the things we're good at, or what people think of us, or what people admire in us.

And if you've got something that you think about that is nice for somebody else, they will receive it like a gift.

So if you don't tell them, it is literally like having a present in your pocket for somebody and choosing to walk off without giving it to them.

Rob Bell:
So that was the presence or even been labeled with their name on it.

It's it's it's for them.

Jono Hey:
It's for them.

It's for nobody else.

It's be wasted.

Otherwise, you might as well throw it in the bin.

Yeah.

So that's what that's what the sketch is about.

Rob Bell:
Compliments a gift is a lovely little sketch and the the character receiving the compliment looks so happy and pleased and humbled.

I don't know how you've managed to capture that with two dots and a and a line, Jono, but you flipping will have.

And it's it's just lovely.

Tom Pellereau:
Now, Jono, can I just check when you say compliments or gifts?

You don't just mean that you should only give compliments at Christmas and birthdays.

Jono Hey:
I definitely I definitely don't mean that.

I mean, in fact, we're like carrying around gifts all the time when we're with people that we like and do great things.

And we have the opportunity to give them to people if we choose or we can dare I say deprive them of it.

Rob Bell:
Well, that is the flip side, isn't it?

So one thing that sprung to my mind again, and Nancy will be so happy that we talk about the five ways of well-being so often.

But one of the five ways, and I think this is the one I always bring up, is notice, and just noticing what's going on around.

And but there's noticing, but then this is actually acknowledging and deciding to proactively do something with it.

So if you notice someone has done something particularly good, or someone's done something particularly helpful for you, or whatever it may be, it's really important, I think, to notice that, acknowledge it and act on it.

Notice, acknowledge, act.

Jono Hey:
And Rob Bell's framework for complimenting.

Rob Bell:
The NAA, the NAA model.

Jono Hey:
Yeah, I think on the noticing point, thinking about it in this way made me notice it more.

And I actually find myself, as a result, deliberately reflecting, what do I like about this person?

What do I think they're great at?

What do they do that they might not know that they do that I think is great?

And it is that, I think that's the noticing.

It's like taking a moment to stop and think, oh, you know what?

They are really good at that.

And I always really appreciate it when they do that.

I should probably tell them.

I think it's quite nice that.

I think about it very much like, if you have feedback or advice that might help somebody in a job or in their career or something they're doing, that can help them get better.

Sometimes it's obvious, but sometimes it's not.

Sometimes you have to think, do you know what?

What would I tell this person to help them take the next step to improve?

And you have to consciously go reflect on it.

And thinking about gifts in this way, yeah, it helps me notice and go, do you know what?

Rob does have a really smooth radio voice on this podcast and really pulls it together as a result.

You know, I should probably tell him that.

Rob Bell:
Thank you, Jono.

That's very kind.

Jono Hey:
Sounded great, by the way.

Tom Pellereau:
That's a very good compliment and a very well-received compliment.

Because I think there is something a little bit British about the fact that when someone gives a compliment or when you give someone a compliment, they're like, what do you want?

Why are you being nice to me?

Rob Bell:
Well, yes, acceptance of compliments is the other side of it, right?

The other side of the equation.

And so are you saying typically as British citizens, we struggle with that, Tommy?

Tom Pellereau:
I think potentially, I obviously know a lot more British people than I know other people.

But I do think it is a little bit of a British trait.

And I do find it occasionally that we almost have to learn how to accept compliments a little bit.

Like, I find it a lot when I'm sort of talking to my wife or my sister or a girlfriend or say, oh, you know, I love you, I love your dress or I love your brows.

And they'll kind of immediately try to play it down.

They'll be like, oh, well, this old thing, I bought it for five pounds from Primark or something like rather than enjoying the gift.

I don't know.

I don't know what it is, but it's almost like you try to deflect it.

Jono Hey:
Well, yeah, it's interesting.

If you think of a compliment as a gift, like if you literally give somebody a present and it's like a horrible ritual that sort of happens generally.

But like if somebody opens a present in front of you, what do you want as a reaction?

You want people to be really pleased and maybe surprised and really grateful.

And if somebody is like a bit like, might as well not have bothered.

Probably doesn't feel great as the gift giver, right?

Rob Bell:
I totally agree.

Do you know how old it is, roughly?

Jono Hey:
Sketch.

These are all 10 years ago, I think.

Rob Bell:
Because I remember when you did this one, I have been conscious of this ever since you did it.

And we talked about it whenever you did it up to 10 years ago.

And when you do think about it in this context, compliment as a gift.

When I receive that gift, if ever I've been lucky enough to receive a compliment, I now try and think of it as a gift as well, and try to react in the way that we've just talked about.

How you would like somebody to react when you give them a gift, whether they like it or not.

Oh, thank you.

That's really kind.

Jono Hey:
And be grateful to them for the thought of them giving that to you and reflect on it.

I hesitate to bring it up because it's probably the worst sketch that I've got in the whole catalogue.

So I might redo it by the time the podcast comes out.

It was one which is just accept compliments.

Rob Bell:
Yeah.

Jono Hey:
Yeah.

And you notice in the compliments are gift sketch, the person is just saying thank you and they're pleased.

And I do think, yeah, Tom, you're absolutely right.

I think that is important.

I think if you, you might have to train yourself to accept compliments.

And even if you might think you didn't do a great job, if somebody tells you that you did, well, maybe you did.

Maybe you need to be open to that, you know, reevaluate a bit.

Rob Bell:
So I was having a little look online about accepting compliments gracefully.

So a simple thank you, expressing your gratitude, expressing your gratitude towards them, whether you agree with the compliment or not, as we've talked about.

Here was one which I quite liked.

Give credit where it's due.

So if a team were involved in whatever it is.

Yeah.

So, oh, you look wonderful today.

Oh, thanks very much.

Yeah.

The make up team and I have been working really hard for the last two hours to make me look this way, or in a work environment, probably more appropriately.

Oh, you know, that brilliant presentation you gave, just there, well done.

I'm really pleased you liked it.

As a team, we've been working really, really hard on that for the last week type thing.

Tom Pellereau:
So share the gift around.

It's such a lovely framework for-

Rob Bell:
To box of chocolates.

Tom Pellereau:
Giving gifts and also receiving them.

It's just a lovely way of framing it, that it is a gift.

And so you should be thankful to receive it and accepting of receiving it.

And then share out, as you say, the little box of chocolates to the other members of the team.

Rob Bell:
Now, what about returning the compliment?

How do we feel about that?

So I've, Tommy, I compliment you.

Tom Pellereau:
Yeah.

Rob Bell:
Tommy.

Tommy, you've got lovely green eyes.

Tom Pellereau:
Well, that one's easy because you've got lovely brown eyes.

But that, it's a very good question in terms of, I feel that sometimes there is a pressure on one to return the compliment, and sometimes you're under a bit of pressure.

So I feel it's important to try and give compliments as often, and as often as you can, but don't necessarily feel the pressure to give a compliment and immediately back, because often they're a little bit fake.

Rob Bell:
Well, that feels a bit disingenuous to me most of the time, I would say.

The immediately returned compliment, I think I feel main is, I don't think you can mean that.

I wasn't fishing for a compliment.

What you've done there almost kind of annuls everything.

I would just like you to know what you did there was really appreciated type thing, or that was great what you just did.

Jono Hey:
It shouldn't be a transaction, right?

Rob Bell:
No.

Jono Hey:
I gave you one, you want to give me one.

I think if you've trained yourself to notice things, to notice, then if somebody gives you a compliment about something you're wearing, it might well be that you're like, actually, you really like your trainers, you know, because I've noticed those and I just hadn't got around or hadn't thought about telling you.

So I think, you know, if you got something genuine to say it, if you haven't, then don't.

Tom Pellereau:
And if you can, try to be specific about the compliment.

Like, Rob, your intros are often incredibly good.

Tonight's one, I really thought was special because I love rhyming, because the way that you made all the words rhyme in there with the recipe and that sort of side.

And I was like, he can't have written that, must be like ChatGPT cheat or something like that.

It just sounded really sort of elegant, fun poetry.

So, when giving compliments...

Rob Bell:
I'm not sure if I'm being complimented here or challenged.

Tom Pellereau:
Yeah, I've just got too far away.

Jono Hey:
That's not the way to accept the compliment, Rob.

Just accept it, mate.

He's trying to give you a compliment.

Think about how that makes him feel.

Rob Bell:
Yeah, I'm sorry, Tommy.

Thank you.

The last tip on this website I found about accepting compliments gracefully is to avoid, sorry, avoid maybe appearing overconfident or arrogant by just over-acknowledging the compliment.

Oh, you look great today.

Yeah, I know.

Tom Pellereau:
Yeah.

Rob Bell:
Type thing.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I really do.

I think, Tommy, your point about being specific with your compliment is what I think makes it feel much more genuine.

So instead of me saying, Tommy, you look great today.

Tommy, you look great today.

Your skin is glowing.

Tom Pellereau:
Love it.

Thank you.

Exactly.

The more specific you can be.

And apparently, there's also something about the more you respect that person's view on something.

So if you say to me something about like my hair, I'll be like, well, Rob's really into his hair.

And so I respect his opinion a lot more on hair than I do, like my son's opinion on hair.

So if you give me a compliment about my hair, that's like, oh, Rob noticed my hair.

Oh, that's really...

So when you get a compliment from someone you regard as a real expert, I think that really helps elevate the appreciation.

Rob Bell:
You know, that was hypothetical there.

He made that clear.

Do you know what?

I feel slightly sad, though, that I've started to take this down the route of slight cynicism behind compliments, which is a shame.

Jono Hey:
Yeah, I mean, it's not meant to be anything.

I think it's funny whenever you point out something in a social space, like there was, I remember this term came out like social engineering.

And it sounds, it can, and it's the same with like cognitive biases or something like that.

If you're like, oh, I'm aware of my cognitive biases, so I'm going to deliberately do this other thing because that's going to help me achieve something.

And it feels manipulative as a result.

But it doesn't, it's not intended to, and it doesn't have to.

So the true gift giving is you have something nice for someone and you want to give it to them.

And it's not a transaction.

You're not expecting anything back.

So it doesn't have to be that.

Yeah, you don't have to think, oh, are they trying to get something?

Have I accepted this properly?

Tom Pellereau:
Is it a trick?

Rob Bell:
I knew this would happen.

We overanalyze stuff.

And a lot of the time, it's just a very well-intended, kind of loose suggestion made by Jono for a live a better life.

And here we go, we're ripping it to shreds.

Jono Hey:
Frowned it for me, Rob.

I thought, Tom, I thought your idea about, you know, the chocolate box gift is really good connections.

There was a sketch, it came up, I think, previously, which was give gifts others can give.

I don't know if you remember that.

And the sketch sketches somebody with a box of donuts.

And I just think giving someone a box of donuts, which is clearly too much for them to eat by themselves, is a great gift because that enables them to give donuts to everybody.

And who doesn't like giving donuts and receiving donuts?

And so I think that's a really nice thing.

And it's interesting you mentioned that here.

I hadn't really thought about that.

But like, anytime you say about like a team presentation, if you're speaking with somebody, and you can say, by the way, can you tell them, I thought this was brilliant?

You know, I thought the graphics was amazing, or I thought the design was really good, whatever it was.

And you get them to share it.

Oh, that's a lovely thing to do as well, isn't it?

Like you can't necessarily share it direct with the person, but you've just given them a gift to give to somebody else.

It's really nice.

Rob Bell:
Yeah, no, that's lovely.

Jono Hey:
I think it's nice.

I mean, who doesn't like telling people that somebody else thinks good things of them?

That's nice.

Yeah.

Makes everybody happy in that conversation.

Rob Bell:
Yeah, it really does.

Is it possible to build a culture of compliments within a community?

So the community I was going to ask you about was your company as the head of that community.

Tom Pellereau:
Yes.

Rob Bell:
Is it possible to build a culture of compliments?

Compliments and feedback, I guess, as we're talking about earlier.

Unconstructive feedback.

Tom Pellereau:
Absolutely.

I think unfortunately, it's much easier to build the opposite.

Where, you know, if someone at the sort of the top doesn't give out compliments, then that kind of slides downhill or only gives out negatives.

So I'd therefore certain that it does work.

And as the boss, I do try and compliment and give gifts.

And those sort of things as as often as possible.

And I find it really irritating that if I'm sent a presentation, unfortunately, the first thing I will notice is the things I wish to improve about that or the things that are wrong or that.

And I have to try and make sure I'm giving more positives than negatives, as it were, more things I like.

Because it's just, it is tricky as a boss, often you spot the negatives before the positives, but to build a culture of positivity, of complimenting, which I really believe in, you have to be quite focused on that side of it.

Jono Hey:
It doesn't have to be like that.

Like you said about training yourself to notice.

Tom Pellereau:
Yes.

Jono Hey:
The first instinct can be like, and because this is probably what you care about, it being really as good as it can.

But you can also train yourself to notice, actually, they weren't really hard at this, or actually, there's a lot of good stuff around this.

Tom Pellereau:
You also asked a question as the leader, as this sort of mini-celebrity, often I'm on stage giving a talk, which is hugely down to my team's work.

And I'm the kind of the portrayed as the inventor, the blah, blah, blah, the figurehead, the person in the pink suit standing on the stage.

And I'll get the kind of applause at the end, and I'm like, no, Jake was involved in this, Brandon was there, and I've done it once where I've kind of gone through the team, and I've tried to pick out certain bits that they've done.

Of course, under pressure, I missed one person.

And I got quite a ribbing from that one person for quite a long time about how clearly I was.

But it can be, and it's sort of rather, as a leader, it is so important to always try and share that box of chocolates, gifts around to the individuals.

And if you can find a specific bit that you loved about their work that made the whole team work, it's really powerful, I think.

Rob Bell:
Jono, you mentioned this in the caption underneath the sketch.

I think you mentioned it earlier as well about compliments at home to your family.

And similar to work, I guess you can create a culture of compliments at home as well, collectively.

Jono Hey:
Do you know what, isn't it a nicer place to be, to surround yourself with people who are telling you nice things about yourself?

Like, you kind of want that with your family and your friends and your colleagues, because who doesn't appreciate that?

And of course, it doesn't have to be at the expense of like, oh, and there's this one thing I won't tell Jono because I'm scared of what he'll do about it.

I think it applies across the board, really.

And I think it applies to strangers too.

I don't know if you ask my family.

Don't ask my family.

Rob Bell:
Well, so I have a controversial flip side question to ask.

Can too many compliments become detrimental from, I'm thinking maybe from a parenting perspective.

If you're constantly adorning your children with praise, can that become detrimental?

Jono Hey:
Yes, I think it depends.

It depends on like a compliments and praise a slightly different things.

Particularly with parenting, do you want your love to be unconditional on whether what they're doing is good or not?

Like I'm not saying like evil or that kind of good, but like, you know, did you do a good picture or a bad picture?

Rob Bell:
Yeah.

Jono Hey:
And you only get praise if you do a good picture.

Well, then I'm going to do everything.

That's when I feel loved by my parents.

Therefore, if I don't get praise, I'm not loved by my parents because I don't get the praise.

Like that's where I think the problem with praise can happen.

There's another sketch, which is from a book called Unconditional Parenting, which is about rewards and punishment being like two sides of the same coin.

And like if a child shows you their picture, I remember a story from that book, you can just say, gosh, oh, wow, that's a beautiful picture.

What an amazing job.

And he said, he gave this example.

He said he didn't do that.

He said, well, what do you think of it?

And they said, oh, I like it.

But I was trying to get this with this guy.

And then they had an interesting conversation.

And so I think, you know, I think it shouldn't be praise for the sake of just giving praise.

But, you know, I'm not expert parent, number one.

This is just what I've learned.

Rob Bell:
That's really interesting, Jono.

That is really interesting.

Tom Pellereau:
Yeah, that's a really good book.

And I tend to agree and touches on something else, which is around sort of praising for you tried really hard on that.

You worked, you put all your effort in rather than, oh, you know, you're so good at maths or you're really smart or like, I think it's important to try and focus the compliments around, say, the endeavour that they put in, or rather than them starting to think that they are like a math genius sort of thing.

And I think that can become quite difficult when you start associating yourself with being a really great artist, a really great mathematician, a really great golfer or whatever.

Like, because there will come a time where you meet someone who's better, probably, than you at those things and...

Rob Bell:
You're a great tightrope walker.

Tom Pellereau:
It's dangerous for many reasons, saying that.

But trying to focus on the whole...

You really enjoy that effort, that sort of side of it, rather than the ability itself, potentially.

Rob Bell:
Compliments can be a real bringer of confidence.

I've found this, when I've struggled with confidence, with various things in the past, and if you get a couple of compliments towards it, it can really help, go just kind of give you a bit more of a mirror, maybe of how others perceive you, that might be different to how you perceive yourself, which can be very, very helpful in certain situations, and certainly can give you a confidence boost in areas of work or image, or whatever it might be that you're maybe lacking confidence with.

But there's danger in giving false confidence, I guess, right?

Which is what we're talking about there.

Tom Pellereau:
Yeah.

Rob Bell:
Not a danger, but just, well, it depends if it's tightrope walking, so it's dangerous.

Jono Hey:
I think there's these sort of standard tropes, but maybe for a reason, in films and stories of adults still trying to seek their parents' bloody approval.

Rob Bell:
Yes.

Jono Hey:
Why can't my parents accept me and recognize what I'm doing?

You know, I'm still an adult, and I'm trying to get that approval, and my dad to say, well done, or my mum to say, oh, you did do well, you know?

So I think you're better off erring on the other side, probably, than setting people up for a life of disappointment and disapproval by your parents.

Rob Bell:
Do you know what this is really interesting?

Because I was thinking about this earlier on.

Now, I had a very lovely upbringing.

I was very much loved by my parents.

I don't feel like I was given loads of compliments all the time.

I mean, that's probably massively unfair to my parents, because they probably did.

But I was going to ask you earlier, what are the best compliments you guys have received?

And I know that's a difficult question just to kind of flip them off the top of your head.

But when I was thinking about it earlier, I was thinking, well, do you know what?

If I do get a compliment from my dad, it does mean quite a lot.

But I'm not seeking it out.

And I do feel loved and valued and everything you talked about, Jono.

And I don't know, perhaps it's a generational thing.

But yeah, I did think about that earlier.

Jono Hey:
I mean, it's literally like the climax of a film for a parent to be like, I'm proud of you.

You know?

Yeah.

Rob Bell:
Well, it's a surprise, guys.

But for the climax of this podcast, I've got all our dads on.

Yeah.

Alligator, come on and tell us how much they love this podcast and how they appreciate it.

Jono Hey:
It would mean a lot to finally get that.

Tom Pellereau:
So I too have very, I've been very lucky.

My parents have always made it pretty clear.

And actually, to you say this, on Sunday, I was with my mum all day and I'd helped kind of organise a family thing.

So we had the whole family together.

And as she left, she sort of hugged me and sort of said, you know, I'm so proud of you.

I was just like, I was flying for about two hours after that.

It's just those little compliments you can get from people who you love hugely are amazing.

And she compliments me a lot and my siblings.

One day I will say, Robbie, on a related note is that I have two children and Jono, I don't know if you find this, but if I compliment one in front of the other, like it does cause a problem.

And I have to kind of like try and find a way to compliment the other or compliment them when they're on their own, or not compliment one too much in front of the other because the other one will start playing up, which I'm getting better at realizing for starters.

But I do sometimes get a bit of frustration.

Jono Hey:
I think that's a learning thing in life, right?

Like, that's the thing about it.

It's not like there's one of these things to go around and you get it or the other person gets it.

Yeah, like it's an abundance mindset.

And I know I know what you mean.

Rob Bell:
And an abundance mindset.

Yeah, that's a nice term.

Jono Hey:
Yeah.

And so I think, you know, in those situations, if it comes up, just because I think they're sitting really nicely at the table doesn't mean that you're not sitting really nice at the table, or that I don't value what you've done tonight.

But allow us to give that to them.

And I think you have to try and explain them.

Obviously, if you're six or seven, maybe that doesn't come that easy.

You know, I think genuinely that's quite a hard skill to learn.

You probably like you felt it, Tom.

Exactly like you said, the team, you named all the people in the team.

You forgot one person, let's say.

Yeah.

And they really felt that, you know, and you have to like, oh, no, I'm, I'm down one compliment.

I need to even it up.

You know, it's not meant to be a scoreboard, but it can feel like that.

And so, but it takes like the grace in accepting compliments.

It takes it to, you know, to see somebody else receiving a compliment and not feel like you're missing something.

It's quite a grown up, mature attitude, but it takes quite a long time to get there.

Rob Bell:
Gosh, yes, because when I was talking about confidence earlier, it could have the opposite effect of taking confidence away from one person who hasn't received a compliment.

But for no other reason than, oh, I've noticed this and that compliment is for you.

Yeah.

Tom Pellereau:
And maybe that's another nice example of how good Jono's framework of a compliment is a gift, because we've all been there when other people have been given a gift for their birthday and you're like, oh, that's really nice.

So, an abundancy mindset in the belief that they're free and available.

And so it's always worth trying to spot them to give those gifts to people.

Jono Hey:
Yeah.

Like the metaphor breaks down, right?

I didn't exchange money for this gift and buy it in a shop in order to give it to you.

I've got infinite of these things if I can just notice them and we can find the time to share it.

Rob Bell:
But I've come back to the overuse of compliments when they then start to become disingenuous.

So, you know, almost like when you when you greeting somebody becomes a kind of meaningless formality now, basically, to say, how are you?

No one really answers that question.

Jono Hey:
I think I think we've covered this before, didn't we?

I will answer that question.

Rob Bell:
We definitely did.

Jono Hey:
Amazing.

Tom Pellereau:
Jono will take some time.

Rob Bell:
You will, Jono.

I think you look great could start to fit into that same box.

How are you?

Oh, you look great.

As just something that you throw out, that could happen.

And I was looking at some, again, looking at some research from some articles, and I will stipulate actually, it didn't say, it did not quote the source of these particular surveys and analyses that were done, but they were making, a comparison was made between German politeness culture where compliments are less frequently used, but more truthful, for instance, than in the US.

Jono Hey:
Yeah.

So I think that sounds plausible.

And yet, I would hazard that people might still appreciate more genuine compliments if they were there.

I mean, I don't think we should, you know, conjure up compliments that are not there to be given.

I just, it's just like, if you think of something nice about somebody, you should tell them.

Otherwise, you're depriving them of a gift.

That's how that's how I think about it.

I don't know if the lots of people in in Germany are thinking of nice things to say to people and then not telling them, or maybe they tell them every single one.

Rob Bell:
They get home from a long day, pockets are full of gifts.

Dump them in the bin, off to the tip, never to be seen again.

Who knows?

But I did find some cultural differences, which I found interesting.

Now, this was looking at different studies in different countries.

So it's a number of different studies.

The only source I can give is that I was reading this article on BBC website.

But it talks about the results of a study amongst Nigerian English speakers, which found that 94% of collected compliments were accepted, compared to 88% in a study of South Africans, 66% in a study of Americans, and 61% in a study of New Zealanders.

i.e., Nigerian English speakers more ready to accept compliments than in order of descendancy, South Africans, Americans and New Zealanders.

Which I would, from what we were talking about earlier, Tommy, I would say yes, there probably are cultural differences and regional differences around people's willingness to accept compliments and comfort to accept compliments.

Jono Hey:
What does it mean to, how do you measure whether somebody accepted a compliment or not?

I don't know.

Rob Bell:
This is why we should have got into the nitty gritty of the story.

I don't know.

So if someone said to me, Oh, yeah, I don't know.

Tom Pellereau:
Yeah, it probably creates a bit of variance, but that's quite a significant amount of variance between 60-odd and 90-odd.

Rob Bell:
That's why I read it, because I thought it was interesting.

Tom Pellereau:
Yeah.

So Kiwis just prefer to kind of deflect it, or the Nigerian English speakers.

Nigerian English speakers is a funny collective.

I don't know if that's...

I know the population of Nigeria is enormous, like 250 million, so there's probably a huge number of English speakers.

Rob Bell:
But yeah, I feel like we've taken this off on a dirty tangent here, that I don't really have it dirty, and that I don't have any of the answers behind it.

Jono Hey:
I mean, I think you're right.

Rob Bell:
They couldn't...

Jono Hey:
I'm sure there are cultural differences.

Tom Pellereau:
50% of Nigerians speak English.

Rob Bell:
Well, there you go.

So what is 125 million?

Tom Pellereau:
I need to check the population of Nigeria.

Rob Bell:
Don't worry.

Jono Hey:
Do you know, when I did that other Accept Compliments sketch, it was partly from a situation where somebody came up to me and directly said, like, you look great today.

And I didn't feel great today.

I didn't feel like I was looking great today.

And I said, yeah, not today, but thanks anyway, essentially.

It was in French, but that was more or less what I said.

And they were like, oh, well, you're welcome anyway.

And I just I just really realized that what I'd done by deflecting and not accepting that compliment was I sort of like invalidated that person's genuine opinion of me who thought that nice thing.

And so not only did I not get that thing like, oh, they think I look good today.

That's great.

But I also made them a bit unhappy and me a bit unhappy.

And I thought that was pretty stupid.

So I kind of resolved after that to accept complements when they're given.

It just really sticks with me.

Rob Bell:
And again, that is a sketch that you and I talked about about 10 years ago.

And when, if ever I receive a compliment now, I do stop myself from batting it back or rejecting it and saying, thank you.

Lovely.

Thank you.

And it's lovely.

It's nice.

Jono Hey:
It's interesting when if you if you give a compliment and somebody doesn't accept it, like, yes, notice how it makes you feel.

And then you can practice accepting as a result.

It's a curious one.

Rob Bell:
Toby, give Jono a compliment.

See what he does.

And then see how it makes you feel.

Tom Pellereau:
In a second.

I'm very glad that we did a whole episode about the difference between compliments and compliments.

Rob Bell:
Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Tom Pellereau:
Possibly.

And if you haven't listened to that episode, because every so often I just keep on accidentally going back to the other meeting.

You go, no, I've never sent a compliment food back, you know, it goes so well.

Chips go so well with a burger.

Why would you ever send one of those back?

Rob Bell:
Hence you have lovely green eyes.

Or you have a lovely green T-shirt.

So let's come on to that as well, because compliments are gifts with an I, is what we're talking about here.

Compliments are gifts with an E.

Tom Pellereau:
Yeah, yeah.

Sometimes they are gifts, but that's not what we're talking about.

Rob Bell:
Oh dear.

So Tommy, can I invite you to give Jono a compliment and we'll see if he accepts or rejects it and see how it makes you feel.

Tom Pellereau:
So I think we've got a bit of lag going on, haven't we?

Which makes this even more hilarious.

Rob Bell:
You sound fine to me.

You sound good to me.

Tom Pellereau:
Okay, good.

So we're doing a live experiment here.

Rob Bell:
Yeah, look Jono in the eyes.

Tom Pellereau:
Jono in the eyes.

But he needs to smile, because my compliment is about how beautiful his teeth are.

That he's very straight and white.

Rob Bell:
Well, so let's roleplay it.

We're not roleplaying it, it's Tom and Johnny.

Tom Pellereau:
Tom and Johnny.

Rob Bell:
Hope to see them.

Tom Pellereau:
I've just said it once.

Rob Bell:
No, no, but give it to him, and then give him it to him as he would, and then Jono can react to it, and then we'll see how that makes you feel.

Tom Pellereau:
I can't give the same one.

I'm trying to think of it.

Rob Bell:
You can, you can.

Tom Pellereau:
I can't?

Okay, okay.

No, I don't want to do this.

Rob Bell:
Do you want me to look away?

Tom Pellereau:
Are you embarrassed?

Yeah.

Rob Bell:
I'll look away, sorry.

Tom Pellereau:
Let's carry, let's carry.

I don't want to do inside some experiment.

Jono Hey:
Rob, you're making it so manipulative again.

Rob Bell:
I didn't mean to do that.

I'll give Jono a compliment.

Jono, I really like the shirts that you wear.

You often wear those without collars, and I'm a big fan of that.

They look great on you.

Jono Hey:
This one is a bit baggy, this one, actually.

I'm not really a big fan of this one.

Thanks anyway.

Rob Bell:
I like it.

Jono Hey:
I was thinking of changing them for other shirts, actually.

Getting rid of this one.

Rob Bell:
That's really flattened my mood.

Jono Hey:
Sorry about that, mate.

Rob Bell:
There we go, we did our own statement.

Jono Hey:
Put it in a BBC article.

Rob Bell:
I'll come back to that question I was going to ask you.

Can you think of some of the best compliments you've ever received, or ones that have stuck with you and really given you a great boost when you needed it?

Tom Pellereau:
So I've been working with someone for 12 years, and I think I have the email saved as the only compliment I think I've ever received, which I think said very good.

Rob Bell:
Do you go back and read that every now and then?

Tom Pellereau:
Every now and again.

Okay, I did get one.

Okay, good.

Rob Bell:
Yeah, I know, I can say occasionally I get lovely messages from people through social media who've seen TV documentaries I've made, and they can sometimes be very complimentary of the way I present on TV, and that feels lovely.

And I always try to respond to those messages to accept those compliments, because I feel like that's taking you an effort, and I really appreciate that.

Thank you.

Jono Hey:
I think that quite a lot, because I do get some lovely emails from people saying nice things about the work that I've been doing, and they're always nice to receive.

And I always think about, not only did they have to think that, they had to take the time to go, you know what, I'm going to press reply and type it up and send it.

And they don't have to do that.

There might be millions of people right now thinking nice things and not taking the time to let someone know.

I had one, I posted a lot of pictures from, we did a trip to Kenya to help make a health center a long time ago, it's a fundraising activity.

And we had a lovely little trip out in the safari as a result, as part of the trip.

And we took loads of pictures of animals and I put them online.

And then I got an email out of the blue from a primary school teacher who said, I saw your photos online and I printed out all the photos of the animals.

And I stuck them around the wall of our classroom.

And we had some lovely discussions about all the animals.

And I was like, how nice was that to receive?

And for somebody to take the time to write that and send it to you.

I guess that was a compliment.

I mean, it was something that just happened.

But they...

Rob Bell:
It's acknowledging your work.

Jono Hey:
And I really remember that.

And it actually taught me the value of putting stuff online, because you don't know what somebody else might value, somebody else might be getting from it.

But that was a lovely one.

Sticks with me.

Tom Pellereau:
Yeah, it's so nice.

I had a lot of people very kindly email.

And I've had some written letters from people.

I'm a little bit removed these days.

So those sort of things tend to go to customer service rather than to me.

And occasionally I get forwarded one or two.

And it's very nice.

Jono Hey:
They can stick around for a long time, like you have that one email saved.

I remember being in the kitchen at work with somebody who hadn't been with us for very long.

And I just thought at the time, I was like, you know what, I really appreciate working with this person and their attitude.

It's just so refreshing.

And so I was like, you know, I just told them.

So I told them.

And that was it.

So a minute conversation or something.

Oh, thank you.

And then literally several years later, they mentioned to me that they really appreciated that conversation we had in the kitchen.

And then it stuck with them that I had said this.

And it really like changed how they felt about the job and the people there.

And I was like, oh, that's really nice.

And it cost me nothing.

And it was nice for me to say it at the time.

So it's just amazing how long these things can stick with you.

Rob Bell:
Before we come to a close, I was going to touch on paying compliments to strangers, maybe people who have served you in a restaurant or a shop.

Or that you may have had some kind of interaction with.

Although perhaps just a complete stranger.

How do we feel about that?

Jono Hey:
I would give it a try, train myself and try and do it like if you're, I don't know, maybe even if you're in the lift with somebody and they've got a really cool jacket or something, you just have that little moment where you can say something.

Rob Bell:
Or if they smell really nice.

Tom Pellereau:
You smell really nice.

Rob Bell:
But there is a way to do it without coming across as weird, I think, to complete strangers.

Tom Pellereau:
Yeah, it's very important.

Rob Bell:
It's probably got to have some humour to it, hasn't it?

Tom Pellereau:
And you've got to try and make sure that person doesn't feel that you want something from them.

And Rob, you are excellent.

Rob Bell:
More threatening.

Tom Pellereau:
Both of you are excellent at giving compliments and thinking things through and not being afraid to give compliments.

There's only-

Rob Bell:
Because you're almost left out of that.

Come on.

Jono Hey:
Thank you, Tom.

I was feeling a bit left out of there.

Tom Pellereau:
Right.

The only time that I restrain on this respect is obviously, I work in the beauty industry.

There can be a lot of young, very attractive women at the exhibitions, at the things that I go to.

And as a rapidly aging middle class white man, I do sometimes make sure that I, you know, stay away from sort of complimenting 18 to 25 year old women about something.

Because I think no matter what, that's getting quite close to weird.

Rob Bell:
Yeah.

So the stranger one, yes, it is, it is, you know, it's got to be, you've got to get that delivery bang on and judge the situation just right.

Otherwise it can quickly turn to weird perhaps.

But I don't want to discourage people from coming forward when the situation is right.

Tom Pellereau:
And I think especially as guys, because I think girls are better at giving complements to each other.

I think guys can be sometimes a bit standoffish about it.

And so giving complements is a really good thing to do, except, you know, well, it's incredibly important.

But the more you do it, the more it becomes comfortable within your group as well.

And that's really, really important.

Rob Bell:
It's the culture, creating the culture of complements.

Tom Pellereau:
Yeah, culture of complements.

That's lovely, Rob.

Rob Bell:
And as we close out another rip roaring discussion, I would also like to acknowledge how grateful we are to the compliments about the podcast we've received from our listeners.

We don't always read them out because it does feel a little bit self-congratulatory.

But we do work hard to try and bring you something interesting and entertaining with each episode.

So it is lovely to know how they're received.

By all means, keep them coming.

Is that wrong to invite compliments, Jono?

Jono Hey:
Don't chuck them in the bin.

Tom Pellereau:
There's absolutely no way we can close this podcast without complimenting Jono on the incredible sketches for which he creates tirelessly every week.

Jono Hey:
Thank you, James.

Rob Bell:
And remember his parents.

Let's not forget, because fearlessly, I don't want them to feel left out.

Thank you, Jono's parents, for creating such a wonderful son.

Jono Hey:
I think people are turning off now, aren't they?

Rob Bell:
Okay, well, listen, before people do switch off, I'd like to issue a challenge to our listeners.

I would like you to try and train yourself, perhaps, between now and when the next episode comes out in a couple of weeks' time.

Train yourself to notice things and to perhaps give compliments.

Let's say five.

If you could give out five compliments that you might not have done before listening to this episode, before the next episode, that would be great, but let us know how it goes.

And I'm almost certain it will be an overwhelmingly positive experience for you and for the recipients of your compliments.

And if you receive a compliment in the next couple of weeks, let us know how you responded.

And if you did anything differently because of the podcast as well.

Don't forget, you can leave us a voice note at podcast.sketchplanations.com, the little blue microphone icon in the bottom right.

Or you can email us, hello at sketchplanations.com.

Right, that's it.

Jono, Tommy, thank you.

You were insightful and entertaining once again, and you're both looking very handsome.

Thank you all for listening.

Until next time, go well, stay well.

Goodbye.

Tom Pellereau:
Cheers, chaps.

Goodbye.

Rob Bell:
All music on this podcast series is provided by the wonderfully talented and incredibly charming Franc Cinelli.

And you can find loads more tracks at franccinelli.com.